Within our lives, we develop many different relationships whether family, romantic partners, friendships, work, acquaintances, or other kinds. Whilst relationships can be a source of love, fun, pleasure, enjoyment, and they can influence our lives in many other positive and rewarding ways. They can also be difficult, stressful, awkward, traumatic, abusive and impact our lives in ways which are less positive.

One of the areas I work as a counsellor is with relationship issues, and something I always say to people is we can’t change others, we can’t fix others, and we can’t make others do anything. I understand this can be frustrating at times. I’ve been there. HOWEVER, whilst we are unable to change others, WE do have power to make incredible CHANGE, and when we create changes in our lives, these changes can filter out and have the potential to create positive change in some of our relationships. Not only this but they also provide us an opportunity to decide if perhaps it’s time to walk away from relationships which might have a negative impact on us and our lives.
So, what CAN WE DO to help improve our relationships? Below, I share some ways which can help you improve and create more positive and emotionally healthier relationships.

COMMUNICATION TALKING THINGS OUT:

As simple as it sounds, I am aware that communicating can be challenging and difficult at times. Yet, this is so important. If we don’t communicate emotions build up and can lead to anger, resentment, confusion bitterness and frustration. This can also have a negative impact on relationships and even leading sometimes to a relationship breakdown at times.

I appreciate that talking face to face with someone can be daunting, scary, intimidating, and stressful. Even if you don’t feel able to speak to the person directly, I invite you to write things down. I often talk to people about writing letters you don’t send, and these can be a really useful tool. Essentially, you write a letter to someone expressing your thoughts or feelings BUT, you don’t send it. Instead you can destroy it in a way that you feel most comfortable. This is a great opportunity to release and let go of all the STUFF you are feeling without doing this directly. It can be very freeing.

LISTENING/COOLING OFF PERIOD/TAKING TIME OUT:

Taking the time to listen is so important. Whilst it’s not always easy to do and might at times be triggering. Allowing someone the time and space can be a really important aspect of communication within relationships. Listening to people DOESN’T mean that you HAVE to agree with them, or do what they say. BUT it can be of great benefit, because by listening to others we gain the information WE need, and a greater understanding of the situation. HOWEVER, I would add to this that we all are DESERVING AND WORTHY OF BEING TREATED WITH RESPECT AND TO FEEL SAFE.
In these situations, it’s absolutely okay to take some time out and have a cooling off, or thinking time. It’s okay to say, I need 5 minutes, or I will get back to you on that one.

SETTING BOUNDARIES:

Boundary setting in relationships can be tricky. It can be hard to set boundaries. However, they can be really beneficial. Sometimes, in relationships when boundaries are pushed or challenged then this is can have an impact on relationships. Communication can really help with this. I would invite you to consider your own boundaries. Are you comfortable with the ones you have in place? Or is there anyone who pushes your boundaries and you can’t say NO too. I would invite you to consider what might help you with this. Are there conversations you would like to have with people but you aren’t sure what to say? I get that! What I would invite you to consider is; what would you like the outcome to be? What can you change? What can’t you change? How can you communicate with the person involved that will enable you to gain the outcome you would like?

When I talk about boundaries, sometimes it's not always about the bigger things, sometimes it's about the smaller things too. Is there a household job, or work task people automatically assume you will do?! How do you feel about this? Do you feel a little resentful, or taking for granted? If so, what might help with this?

BEING AWARE OF HOW YOU SPEAK TO OTHERS:

This is a really key point of communication. It’s not always WHAT is said, it is often about HOW it is said. Language has the ability to empower, but it always has the ability to disempower. It can enable us to be heard and have our needs met. However, I’m not sure about you but if I am spoken to in a unpleasantly, rudely, or aggressively but I switch off. So the language we use is key to good communication. When I was training as a counsellor, one of the things I was taught was the importance of using I statements instead of YOU when addressing someone.

For instance;
‘YOU WERE LATE, IT’S YOUR FAULT WE WON’T GET THERE IN TIME. I’M SO ANGRY WITH YOU’

If someone spoke to you in that way, how might you feel? However, if someone said to you.

‘I AM FEELING FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY ABOUT YOUR THAT YOU TURNED UP LATE, AND THAT WE WONT GET THERE ON TIME’

I remember a few years ago, I went to the hairdressers, and there had been a mix up with appointment times. The hairdressers first words to me were. ‘AND YOU’RE LATE’. I felt uncomfortable, attacked and didn’t enjoy my hair appointment. Because, being me, I didn’t want to be rude and walk out of the salon. What had actually happened was, the salon owner hadn’t told the girl doing my hair that they had re arranged the appointment time, and I was actually on time.

SPEAK TO SOMEONE ELSE:

Offloading and speaking to someone else if you are struggling with relationships can be really helpful. It can provide a space to let go of any negative emotions. A source of support. It’s also an opportunity to sometimes see things from a different perspective.

DEVELOP SOME COPING STRATEGIES TO MANAGE ANY FEELINGS THAT CAN HAVE A NEGATIVE IMPACT ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.

There are many useful tools out there that can help with this. There are some FREE PDF DOWNLOADS ON THIS SITE WHICH CAN HELP YOU.

RECOGNISE AND RESPECT PEOPLE’S PERSONAL SPACE.

Sometimes we all just need some space whether it be physical or head space. This allows either us or other involved the chance to process and reflect on aspects of the relationship that might be having an impact.

SEEK HELP FROM A THIRD PARTY.

Sometimes seeking help from someone else regarding the situation can be really help. Perhaps another family member, friend, or colleague. Alternatively through mediation, counselling, or support at work. This can offer the chance to an independent third party who might offer a different perspective or of ways to improve the relationship.

BE AWARE THAT NOT EVERYONE WILL HAVE THE SAME PERSPECTIVE OR DO THINGS THE SAME WAY.

Whilst there are things we can do to help improve our relationships, there might be times when for a number of reasons, it can feel that no matter what we do, which the relationship is having a serious impact on our mental health, and that the kindest thing we can do for yourself is walk away from it. I understand that this isn’t always an easy thing to do. However, sometimes to ensure our safety, and to take care of our health and wellbeing it’s the only thing we can do. Going back to what I said previously, whilst we can change what we do and looking to make improvements.

Relationships involve others too, and if the behaviour or situation of a relationship is impacting you negatively, I invite you to consider is this the right relationship or situation to be in at this point in time.