Communication is part of our everyday lives. Whether it be intentional or unintentional, positive or negative, verbal or non-verbal, even down to whether it’s how we communicate with ourselves or others, communication is a central part of our lives. How we express ourselves, can give us a voice, and get our needs met. It can be a key part of relationships and other parts of our life.
Whilst we can’t change the way others respond or react we can explore how we communicate, respond and react to situations. In this post, I want to share some ways which can help improve communication with others, and with yourself.
Today with increased ways we communicate such as online, telephone, messaging, and ways of communication altering positive communication is key to how we interact in the world and our relationships. Most job adverts state the need for good communication skills. But just what does good communication involve, and how can positive communication improve our relationships, and life circumstances, reduce stress, boost our emotional well-being, gives us a voice, enabling us to express ourselves.
You might be interested to learn; that not all communication is verbal. Just 7 % of our communication is verbal. I am not sure about you but, I found this surprising when I first learned this a few years ago. Some ways we communicate non verbally include:
- Facial expressions
- Eye contact
- Voice tone
- Posture and body movement
- Touch
- Gestures
- Space
- We also communicate through email, text messages, letters, and social media
Whilst just 7% of our communication is verbal. Verbal communication can be incredibly powerful.
How would you rate your verbal communication skills on a scale of 1-10? Are you someone that finds it easy to communicate with others, or can it be a challenge? Maybe it's easier to communicate in certain situations or with certain people than with others? What works well for you? Is there anything that might help improve how you communicate with others?
In this blog I have put together some ways that can help you smooth out any communication blips and help you communicate more smoothly.
WAYS TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION WITH OTHERS AND OURSELVES.
TALK TO SOMEONE: Rather than bottling up your feelings. Talk to someone about how you are feeling. Rather than letting uncomfortable feelings build up over time, it can help to talk things through. It can be an opportunity to offload anything you are holding on to. It can also be an opportunity to talk things through and problem-solving
a solution. Or explore a coping strategy?
‘I’ STATEMENTS: When talking to people it can help to use what are known as ‘I’ statements. These enable you to take the power back and give you a voice. This might not always be an easy thing to do however it can allow for smoother and more positive conversations.
An example of this might be; I felt angry/annoyed/cross/irritated when you arrived later than we planned as this impacted the rest of my day.
The above statement allows you to express your feelings and the reason for them in a calm manner allowing those you are talking to, to be aware of your anger and the impact it has. This can allow for much more constructive conversations. I am not sure about you but if someone starts raising their voice at me and using statements such as ‘ It’s your fault I am late, you messed up my plans.’ Would put me on the defensive straight away.
When I work with people, I say to them it’s okay to feel the way you do. Your feelings ARE valid, the way you express those feelings is important.
CLARIFICATION: Is, a really important part of communication. It’s okay to check with people what they mean. We can all have a different understanding or perspective of a situation, and taking the time to clarify the details can be important. I often to say to people, can I just clarify or my understanding is this am I correct?
TAKE 5 MINUTES OR SLEEP ON IT: Whilst it is important to talk and offload. It is also equally beneficial to sleep on it or take some time to think about something. Have you ever said something in the heat of the moment, and later regretted. Maybe you were angry about something. Maybe you committed to something you wished you hadn’t. It’s okay, to say to people, can I get back to you on that one. Sometimes taking five minutes out of a situation and or sleeping on a situation can make a difference in communication
SAYING NO: Are you a bit of a people pleaser? Do you feel the need to fix people? Or take on board other people’s ‘stuff’ sometimes? Do you think by saying no to people you will be upsetting or offending someone? This is something I used to struggle with, and if I am really honest it is still something I find a bit of a challenge. It wasn’t until I became ill with M.E/Chronic Fatigue for a second time in 1999 that I realised, I wasn’t super-human, and that it’s okay to say no sometimes. It can be a form of self-care. Sometimes changing old habits and learning to say no isn’t always easy. However, it can help improve communication, and also improve your mental health and emotional wellbeing
BOUNDARIES: Part of saying no and being clear with communication can be setting boundaries. It’s okay to set boundaries if you feel it’s appropriate. An example of this might be time boundaries. For instance, ‘I won’t be able to get back to you today with an answer, however, I can get back to you tomorrow when I have a clearer idea of my schedule next week.’
Part of setting boundaries and communication in general can be having realistic expectations. Sometimes it can help to consider the following points when considering this.
- What is do able?
- What would you like to do?
- What can you do?
So often in life, it is easy to think; ‘I should do that’, ‘I have to do that,’ or ‘I must do that’. However, this can place additional pressure on us and be overwhelming. In turn this can impact the communication with others, and ourselves.
BODY LANGUAGE/EYE CONTACT/FACIAL EXPRESSIONS/HAND GESTURES/POSTURE:
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, much of the way we communicate with others is non-verbal. Whilst we are not able to change how others communicate with us, we can look at how we communicate with others. Part of this can be recognising and being aware of how we express ourselves whilst communicating with others. For example, do you recognise their personal space, can your body language could come across as being intimidating.
When I was training as a counsellor I was taught about mirroring, this is when our body language mirrors the person we are communicating with. For example, if our body language is relaxed and open, the person we are communicating with is more likely to interact with us similarly.
EXPRESSING YOURSELF, AND HAVING A VOICE WHEN YOU FEEL UNABLE TO TALK TO OTHERS INVOLVED:
Sometimes it’s not always possible to verbalise or communicate how we feel to someone. This can mean we end up holding on to our stuff. This might leave us internalising negative thoughts or emotions. Holding onto them can be harmful to our mental health and emotional well-being. So, what can you do with those thoughts or emotions. If you have been following previous blog posts and my Facebook page for a while, you will be aware that I am a fan of writing letters you don’t send, unless of course you want to!
Writing letters is an opportunity to express all the thoughts and emotions you are holding onto in a letter. This is a therapeutic process and can have great benefits. It can be especially useful if you wish to express your angry thoughts to someone, if you are estranged from someone, or if someone has died.
If you decide to write letters, I do suggest to people that they find a safe and private space where they feel comfortable, and allow themselves time to write the letters. Writing letters can be an emotional process as you will be releasing and letting go of what you are holding onto. I encourage people I work with to be kind and gentle to themselves during the process, and I encourage you to do the same too, if you choose to write letters.
ONLINE/MESSAGING/EMAIL COMMUNICATION/VIDEO CALLS/LETTERS: We live in a world now where there are many other ways to communicate. When I qualified as a counsellor back in 2002, social media and video calls weren’t a thing, emailing was only just in its infancy, as was texting. In fact, whilst I was on placement at a University, I used to send letters out to clients about missed appointments. I would also telephone people to make appointments. Anyway, I am drifting of topic here. What I would like to say regarding 21st messages of communication is; that it be so much easier to say things in the heat of the moment without reflecting on the impact of words and responses. Once posted or sent it is can be gone. Everyone has their own, online code of conduct of what’s acceptable and what’s not. If not, I invite you to take some time contemplate what your online code of conduct is.
Ways that can help with online communication can be;
- Giving yourself time to respond?
- Asking yourself, if you would say something out loud.
- Are these words you would say to someone in person?
- Write a draft email, and read it out loud before sending it.
SELF TALK: I have talked a lot about how we communicate with others, however, before I finish this, I would like to touch on how you speak and communicate with yourself. Our foundations for how communicate externally come from within. So, I want to invite you to consider how you communicate with yourself. Do you show yourself love, compassion, empathy, and kindness when you communicate with yourself? Do you allow yourself to have a voice? If not I encourage you to take some time to consider how you can communicate more kindly with yourself. What can you do to improve your internal dialogue?
One of the ways that can help is altering, the words you use with yourself. Become aware of the language you use. How many times do you tell yourself well done, praise or congratulate yourself? Or are you someone who talks negatively to yourself, is hard on yourself, or put yourself down?
Changing the language we use and how we communicate with ourselves can be the key to developing a healthier relationship with ourselves and in turn with others. This in turn can boost our emotional wellbeing. One way which can help us with our speak to ourself is using affirmations which are positive phrases that we repeat to ourselves on a regular basis. Such as well done, you did a great job, I am worthy, I deserve to be treated with love and respect.
One last thing, I want to share about communication is, no one is perfect, communication isn’t perfect. Sometimes, things happen life happens, and communication gets messed up. Whilst we can’t change those times, we can be aware of how we react and respond on those occasions.
One of the greatest and most powerful forms of communication can be recognising when we messed up, owning it, saying sorry, and how can we move forward from here.
I hope you found this post helpful. If so, and you aren’t already, you might be interested in my Tracy Smithers.Step by Step Counselling Page where I regularly post on a variety of different topics. Thank you to all those who follow me already.