ANGER HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?

How many of you are comfortable with expressing anger, frustration, or annoyance? Is it something you avoid and run from? Or is it something that you find empowering and energising?

For many years, anger was something I struggled with. Having grown up in a domestic abusive home environment my experiences were that it was scary, frightening, traumatic, and unsafe. I avoided anger and confrontation at all costs. It wasn’t until I started my training as a counselling at 28 that I realised that anger didn’t have to be like this. Up until that point, I fell into the camp of people who just didn’t DO anger. I remember saying whilst training I don’t get angry. For a long time, I thought that feeling angry, made me a bad person. When I realised that this wasn’t the case and that anger in some form is a human emotion, I then began to get more comfortable and accepting of myself and experiencing anger.

If you have experienced some form of abuse or have been bullied this might have impacted your relationship with anger. I know it did mine. What I want to say to you is whatever you experienced, whilst you can’t change the past it is possible to develop a more comfortable, and safer relationship with anger, and expressing it.

What I have learnt over the years both personally and professionally is if we internalise our anger and don’t find a way to release our feelings it can impact both our physical and emotional wellbeing. I want to share with you an example I sometimes share with clients when talking about anger.

Each week, or fortnight you will put out your bin/rubbish bag for the refuse collection. It’s collected and you have an empty bin/new bin bag and you can start over again with space to get rid of the ‘stuff’ you no longer need. Now, imagine your bin doesn’t get emptied regularly. What happens to all the ‘stuff’ inside? I would suggest it gets full up, smelly, starts rotting, goes mouldy, spilling out elsewhere.

Now imagine that bin or bin bag, is full of all those unpleasant thoughts and feelings including anger. What happens if we don’t let go of those thoughts or feelings.

To keep our mental health and emotional well-being balanced it’s important to find a safe and healthy way to release and express our anger.

What I learnt during my training as a counselling and in the years since is, that it’s okay to be angry/frustrated/annoyed, it’s what we do with those emotions that matters, and how we react and respond to others and situations.

In this post, I would like to share with you some strategies and coping tools that can help you identify, and manage your feelings of anger/annoyance/frustration.

1. Find a word that you are comfortable with using when you feel angry. When I first starting developing a healthier relationship with anger, I wasn’t comfortable with the word anger so I tended to use the word annoyed. An activity you might like to try if you feel comfortable is, thought storming all the words you can think of relating to anger, and then find one that feels right to you.
2. IDENTIFY what is causing your anger. (Your trigger points) Is it a situation? Or is it a person? Or both?
3. IDENTIFY on a scale of 1-10 . (1 being not angry and 10 being really angry.) HOW angry you are feeling? With younger client’s I use the example of traffic lights. Green, amber, and red. Amber relates to feeling slightly annoyed or niggled, red is fully angry. The useful thing with the traffic light example is that at the amber stage, it can help you recognise that it’s a good time to use some coping tools.
4. Once you have identified what level of anger you are at, it is then helpful to identify the CAUSE of your anger. (I appreciate sometimes it’s not always easy to know the cause. It can help when this happens think about the first three words that come to mind and use that as a starting point. If possible, it can be useful to thought storm and take some time to think about what the anger is about. Does it relate to a situation or a person?
5. If you are struggling to understand what is causing your anger, IDENTIFYING YOUR ANGRY TRIGGERS is also really useful to do. For instance, is there a certain person or situation that leaves you feeling angry. Understanding our angry triggers and when they happen can be helpful. It gives us more information about the anger we feel, and by doing so helps us find a way to manage our anger.
6. If finding the cause/trigger is difficult, then it can help to think about whether the anger has a shape, a colour, a size, a texture. What does it look like, sound like, or feel like? Maybe it looks like an animal or sounds like a piece of music. It doesn’t matter what as long as it feels right and fits in with where your anger is at.
7. When you have identified how angry you are feeling, and the cause. Take some time to think about whether there is anything you can change about the situation. The reality is we can’t change other’s behaviour or certain situations. We DO have the ability to make alterations or changes to how we respond or react to situations.

I understand that these steps are all very well. But what happens when you feel so angry you just want to explode! I know, I have been there. I used to be a door slammer!

As I said it’s okay to have those thoughts, it’s how we respond and react to others and situations that matters. I say to people often that knowledge is power, and this is particularly true of anger. Understanding your triggers can help you take the power back, and find healthier ways to address your anger. What I want to say to you here is that anger doesn’t need to control you, you can take control of your anger, and in doing so this CAN help you develop a more positive approach to anger.

Some key points that can help when looking at anger are:

• IDENTIFY THE TRIGGER AND LEVEL OF ANGER
• IDENTIFY WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT THE SITUATION
• WHAT CAN YOU CHANGE ABOUT THE SITUATION
• WHAT STEPS CAN YOU PUT IN PLACE TO REDUCE THE ANGER

So, I know this is all very well talking about this stuff. BUT, what can you DO to help release and let go of your anger Here are some coping strategies that can help you safely express your feelings of anger/frustrating/annoyance.

• Take 5 minutes out from what you are doing
• Go for a walk/run or do something else active. If you can’t do something outside, punching a cushion can be a way to actively and safely release anger
• Spend time outside
• Do something different
• Talk to someone about how you are feeling
• Tap your fingers together to help calm you
• Playdough can be a wonderful resource for expressing anger, no matter how old you are. Pummelling the playdough can be a really good way of releasing your anger
• Focus on your breathing. Breathe in and out. Each time you are distracted with angry thoughts concentrate on your breathing
• Write a letter you never send (unless of course you wish to.) Writing letters can be a great way of releasing and letting go of any angry feelings you might be holding onto. You can say anything you like. Remember, it’s okay to have these feelings it’s how you manage them that counts. Expressing angry feelings you have in a letter is a safe way to do this. If you aren’t someone who likes writing, you can doodle your feelings instead. Once you have finished the letter or doodle you can tear them up or put them in the bin if you feel comfortable with this.
• On the home page of my website, you will find 6 FREE PDF There is an Understanding Anger one which you can use to help you.

Finally, I just want to reassure you that however you feel or experience anger that’s okay. Your anger and emotions are valid. Our life experiences and relationships form a basis for how we respond and react when feeling angry. HOWEVER, we do have a CHOICE of how we react and respond when feeling angry/annoyed/frustrated and we have the ability to CHANGE how we respond in situations that cause us to feel anger. It’s okay to feel the way you do if you are feeling angry, it’s what you do with it that counts.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I do understand how frightening and scary anger can seem sometimes. I spent a lot of time not ‘doing’ anger because it wasn’t something I felt uncomfortable with. I worried about what others would think of me. I will admit I am not fully comfortable with it now, but I’m working on it! What I have learnt along the way is that anger can be empowering, and give us a voice if we use it safely and responsibly.