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IS NO YOUR DEFAULT SETTING? WHEN YOU COULD BE SAYING YES?

Have you got what it takes? BUT you can’t quite bring yourself to say YES. If this is the case, I would like to invite you to consider WHAT LEADS YOU TO DEFAULT TO NO?

This is something I found myself pondering the other day when I was considering doing something, I hadn’t previously considered. If I am honest, I am not good at putting myself out there and trying things that are a little bit different. Because I find it SCARY!! TERRIFYING!! AND DAUNTING!! I just want to run in the other direction.

You might also be surprised to learning that I almost defaulted to NO before writing and sharing this post.

This realisation about DEFAULTING TO NO got me thinking about how much safer or easier saying NO can be. For me certainly it can act as a default mechanism. When I was contemplating my own situation, it was a combination of fear and lack of self belief. BUT it got me thinking that sometimes saying NO or deciding not to do something can be a bit of a default mechanism. For me it can be a bit of a comfort blanket. WHY? I am not sure. Maybe because it feels a bit risky.I’m not a fair ride type of person, so it’s possible I am a bit risk averse. What about you?

Before I continue, I just want to say that sometimes saying NO and not doing something, CAN be a good thing and certainly best for our MENTAL HEALTH and EMOTIONAL WELLBEING. There is nothing wrong with saying NO. This post is more of an invitation to explore the times when saying NO might lead us to miss out on that opportunity, that social interaction, relationship, chance to try something new, that chance to grow, develop, benefit, and blossom from something

So in the instances where it is safe and emotionally safe to say NO, I would like to invite you to examine where the NO is coming from. I would like you to consider. What makes it a NO rather than a YES?

Is the reason you say NO due to;

• Lack of self confidence/self belief
• Fear of what will happen
• Fear of failing
• Based on past experiences
• Fear of what others might think or that you might be judged
• Fear about if it doesn’t work out
• It is out of your comfort zone
• Fear of life and relationships changing
• Childhood experiences
• Based on feeling you have to act or behave in a certain way

If you are not sure what it might be like to make YES your default setting. Here are a few things you can that might help you with this.

•WILL SAYING YES NEGATIVELY IMPACT MY MENTAL HEALTH AND EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING?

•THOUGHT STORM. Put all your thoughts and feelings on paper. Then circle the ones that belong to you. Then those that might come from what others might say or might think. It can be surprising what ‘stuff’ we hold onto that doesn’t belong to us and thought storming can be a great way to identify who and where our ‘stuff’ originates from. For example. ‘I can’t do that because they might not like it’ or ‘I’m not going to try it because they said it didn’t work for them’.

•Then create another list just with your thoughts and feelings. Once you have done this look further at your list, and contemplate how many of these points link to;

*FEAR
*LACK OF CONFIDENCE
*LACK OF SELF BELIEF
*WHAT OTHERS MIGHT THINK ABOUT THE SITUATION
*HOW OTHERS MIGHT JUDGE YOU

. SELF TALK. CHANGE the language you use when you talk to yourself. How would it be to use kinder, more empathic, and compassionate language when talking to yourself.

CHANGE, I CAN’T to I CAN. CHANGE I HAVE TO to I WOULD LIKE TO. The language we use on ourselves can have a huge impact on our choices and our default settings. Changing our language can have a great impact on what we do in life and our relationships and social interactions.

• THINK about: WHAT YOU COULD DO? HOW COULD YOU DO IT? Consider your expectations. If you were to alter them, would it make a difference to your DEFAULT SETTING?

• WHAT might change if you were to say YES rather than NO? WHAT BENEFITS could there be to changing your DEFAULT SETTINGS?

• SPEAK TO OTHERS. EXPLORE THE OUTCOMES

• DO SOME RESEARCH. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Sometimes it can be easier to say NO when we don’t have all the FACTS. Would a bit of research and some more information help?

I invite you to explore the possibility of making YES your DEFAULT SETTING rather than NO. Sometimes defaulting to YES and embracing opportunities can EMPOWER and ENABLE us to embrace opportunities, relationships, and connections that enhance our life. Whatever you decide you are in control of your DEFAULT SETTING and can choose to change it any time you wish.

MENTAL HEALTH..HOW DO YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.

Mental health and emotional well being can cover many different areas. It’s a complex subject and as I am not a medical practitioner it is not something I can even begin to describe or define in any great detail. However, having been a counsellor for over twenty years, I am aware of how much mental health and emotional wellbeing issues can affect us as individuals, and the importance of taking care of our mental health and emotional wellbeing.
When our mental health and emotional wellbeing is impacted this can impact our lives and relationships. What I have learnt in my years as a counsellor and from my own experiences is that it’s not always easy to recognise when our mental health is being impacted. Sometimes life situations and relationships can pile up and it can be difficult to see when we might be struggling with our mental health.

One of the keys to maintaining good emotional health is being aware of what’s happening in life and relationships and recognising when situations and circumstances impact you, knock you down, and leave you struggling. As a counsellor, I have heard the phrase ‘it’s not a big problem, others have got bigger problems than me’. I will be honest with you when I have had counselling in the past, I have sometimes felt the same way. So, I would like to share something with you, and it is this. Counselling doesn’t have to be about the big stuff in life, it can be about whatever you need support with, no matter how small it might appear or seem. If it’s important to you, then IT MATTERS! YOU MATTER!

One of the things I sometimes suggest to people is to have a CHECK IN with yourself. A simple, HOW AM I TODAY? WHAT’S GOING ON FOR ME? WHAT DO I NEED SUPPORT WITH?

Checking in with ourselves and how we are doing is an important part of taking care of ourselves, our mental health and emotional wellbeing. Perhaps you are one of life’s copers who gets on with it all, or maybe you just don’t feel you have time. I do understand, sometimes, I admit, I can be guilty of not checking in with myself sometimes. However, I want to share with you something that I often say to my clients. It is this;

Each week or every two weeks, we put out our, household rubbish we want to get rid of out for the refuse collectors. All that unpleasant stuff that builds up in our house that we just don’t want anymore. WE GET RID OF! The refuse collectors come and take it away, so we never need to see it again! We are then left with a nice empty bin or bin liner. Now imagine that you didn’t have bin day. What would happen? The rubbish would build up? Get smelly, mouldy, and take up space in your house? Possibly your health could be impacted?
What I want to say here is, our homes regularly have bin day where we can get rid of our rubbish. Yet, what happens to the stuff that builds up in our heads?? What do we do with it and how do we get rid of it? This is the reason I believe passionately that taking care of our mental health and emotional wellbeing is so important. We all have the ability to do small things to take care of mental health.

Sometimes a good place to start when looking at your mental health and emotional wellbeing and how it is affected can be identifying WHAT is impacting your MENTAL HEALTH.
Here are just a few factors that can impact your mental health. Although you might think of some others too.

• Family
• Relationships
• Health
• Work
• Childhood Issues
• Trauma
• Social Situations

When we are struggling with our mental health this can impact us both physically and emotionally this can come out in different ways through:

• Heightened emotions
• Feeling depressed
• Feelings of isolation, sadness, anger, stress, anxiety, or loneliness
• Sleep issues
• Comfort eating
• Feeling lethargic
• Lack of confidence/self esteem
• Not feeling good enough
• Struggling with relationships/social situations

I would suggest that at some point in our lives many of us might have struggled with our mental health at some point. I want to reassure you that if you have, it’s okay to feel the way you have however this has impacted you. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID. No matter what we experience and how our mental health is impacted. THINGS CAN AND DO GET BETTER.
It all starts with that first step, and sometimes talking to someone, really can make a difference. There are also things you can that will help give your mental health a boost.

ACTIVITY:

Here is something, I sometimes invite my clients to do; it’s to rate out of 10 how much particular situations are impacting your mental health and emotional wellbeing.

iF you imagine a scale between 1 and 10. 1 you feel AMAZING and 10 you are feeling at your lowest point. Where would you place yourself? (Just also to say here that all because you feel at this point currently, this isn’t permanent)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Then think about what factors are making it that number. It can help to write them down. For example, is there a situation, relationship or event impacting your mental health? If so, and these circumstances weren’t there, would your mental health improve?

When you have done this take some time to think about what YOU can do to improve your mental health and reduce the factors impacting it. This might not be easy to do, but I encourage you to spend some time thinking about what small step or steps you can put in place improve your mental health. In case you are wondering what small steps might be. They can be as simple as talking to someone, reducing one thing on your to do list, having an extra 5 minutes in bed! It’s whatever works for you.

This activity can help identify the factors impacting our mental health. Once we understand the cause of a situation, it becomes easier to address the impact. By doing so we can put the steps in place we need to improve our mental health and boost our emotional wellbeing.
Here are some things that you can do to maintain and take care of your mental health and emotional wellbeing.

1. Check in with yourself. How are YOU feeling today?
2. Talk to someone
3. If you are struggling speak to a health professional. It’s okay to ask for help
4. Focus on your breathing. Take some deep breaths in and out. Release and let go of any stress or tension you are holding onto.
5. Spend some time outside
6. Get active- You don’t have to be sporty to get active. Walking, dancing, yoga, swimming and tai chai are all ways you can be active
7. Keep a journal. Write a journal, paint, draw or doodle your feelings
8. Do something creative
9. Most importantly; TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF

FEELING OVERWHELMED….and WAYS TO OVERCOME FEELING OVERWHELMED.

My Mum used to have an expression it was ‘you can’t see the wood for the trees’. It’s an expression that has stayed with me and I still think about it from, time to time.
Sometimes life can seem so overwhelming that it is difficult to see a way through it. I know from my own experiences the impact feeling overwhelmed can have on mental health and well being. Sometimes it’s hard to know how to get through that overwhelming feeling and out the other side.

When I feel overwhelmed, I often feel like I can’t think straight, can’t see clearly, and it’s difficult to make decisions. It can also be hard to engage in our relationships with others or life situations. In fact, I can feel trapped in this vicious cycle or overwhelm.

The thing with feeling overwhelmed is, that you don’t just wake up one morning, and think I feel overwhelmed. These feelings can build up over time, and a result it can be hard to know how we reached that point. Maybe the overwhelm starts as one small thing and then gradually it becomes a bigger thing. Those feelings of being overwhelmed can cause us to feel fearful, stressed, angry, or frustrated. So not only are we dealing with feeling overwhelmed we are dealing with a range of emotions that come alongside being overwhelmed. Then before we know it this feeling of being overwhelmed can hold power over us and control our lives which in turn can impact our mental health and emotional well being.

In this post, I want to offer some ways that can help you identify when you are feeling overwhelmed and strategies to help you overcome those feelings of being overwhelmed.
Often when feeling overwhelmed it’s possible to want to avoid that which is overwhelming us, avoid it, or run away from it. This is something I have certainly done in the past. However, avoiding the overwhelming feeling, rather than reducing it can increase it. The most helpful thing we can do with those feelings of being overwhelmed is to face ‘it’, tackle it head on, and take control of it.

Yes, I understand that might sound scary and too much to deal with. Yet, those feelings of being overwhelmed can grow stronger, take charge of our life and hold power over us if we do not find a way to take charge.

The GOOD NEWS is we don’t have to deal with those feelings of overwhelm at once. We can just take it ONE VERY SMALL, VERY TINY STEP AT A TIME.
Along the way taking care of ourselves, being kind to ourselves, loving ourselves, and pausing when we feel need too.

CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF: How many of you recognise when you are feeling overwhelmed? Whether you notice you are feeling overwhelmed or not, one of the things that can help with recognising if you are feeling overwhelmed or not is a daily check in with yourself. When was the last time you checked in with yourself? If you are wondering what a daily check in is, it is checking in to see how you are. It might sound like a simple exercise, yet it can be very effective.
How many times do you ask others how they are? Yet, how often to you ask yourself how you are?When you check in with yourself I would encourage you to think about what you NEED at this time?

TAKE TIME TO GROUND YOURSELF: Sometimes taking some moments to yourself and focus on your breathing can help when feeling overwhelmed. When I say taking time out this doesn’t have to be a lot of time. It can be simply, walking into the garden and back, or in social situation when it’s difficult to leave, going for a toilet break! You can also take those moments to reassure yourself. For instance,
My name is…I am feeling overwhelmed right now BUT. I AM GOING TO BE OKAY. THIS FEELING OVERWHELMED IS TEMPORARY, I HAVE THE SKILLS AND ABILITY TO OVERCOME THIS FEELING.

PACING YOURSELF: Sometimes feeling overwhelmed can occur when feel we have a lot of things, or situations to manage. Sometimes IDENTIFYING AND PRIORITISING what you need to do can reduce those feelings of overwhelm. Sometimes when I work with people, I invite people to thought -storm and write down all the things that overwhelm them. Every tiny thing even if it doesn’t seem important because if you are thinking or feeling it, it is important. This can be work, relationships, social situations, or even emotions related.

Once you have done this, rate each thought/feeling/activity/situation between 1-10. 1 being the least overwhelming 10 being the least.
When you have done this, take the highest scoring situation and then identify if you are able which aspects of it that are causing you the most overwhelming feelings. How do you feel when you have done this?

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO HELP YOU THROUGH THESE FEELINGS OF OVERWHELM?

Is there something you CAN DO to help reduce these feelings? If you can think of 3 things you can do. If finding 3 things is a challenge, then just try 1 thing. Once you have done this, what is the very first thing you can do to get started?
WHAT DOES THE OVERWHELM LOOK LIKE? Sometimes when I ask people what does the overwhelm look like to you? Does it have a shape, a colour, a size, a texture, a smell? How would you describe it. If its hard to describe, it can help to write down words you associate with the overwhelm. Alternatively, draw or doodle it.

WHAT IS CAUSING THE OVERWHELM? IS IT YOUR STUFF? OR IS IT STUFF CREATED BY OTHERS?
From my own experience of feeling/being overwhelmed, and that of working with others, sometimes the overwhelm can come from external factors, situations, or people. If you recognise that external factors are contributing to your being overwhelmed, I invite you to take some time to consider:

WHAT WOULD HELP YOU AT THIS TIME? Below are a few things that can help when looking to reduce and overcome the feeling of being overwhelmed.

• COMMUNICATING, AND SETTING BOUNDARIES
• REDUCING WHAT IS CONTRIBUTING TO THESE FEELINGS
• MAKING CHANGES
• FOCUSSING ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND WELLBEING

Throughout this post, I have shared a few ways that can help you when you are feeling overwhelmed. Here are a few more:

THOUGHT STORMING: Offloading your thoughts and feelings onto paper can be a great way of offloading anything that overwhelms you.

TALKING TO SOMEONE/SEEKING SUPPORT: Sometimes talking to someone. Or, simply asking for help can make a difference.

THE OVERWHELMED BAROMETER: I mentioned earlier about CHECKING IN WITH YOURSELF. The overwhelmed barometer, or indeed traffic light system can help to identify how overwhelmed you are feeling. For instance, how high much you feel overwhelmed, if you had a barometer. Alternatively, if you had a set of traffic lights what colour would your overwhelm be rated.

TAKING 5: Taking 5 minutes as I mentioned before is something that can help when feeling overwhelmed.

A CHANGE OF SCENE: When I say change of seen I am not suggesting an exotic two week holiday somewhere nice a sunny! A change of scene; can be a walk, moving to a different room. If you are at work, it might be going outside at lunch time. I understand not everyone gets a lunch hour now. I have worked in some places where I have barely had 20/30 minutes for lunch, so what I have done is walked out of the doors around the corner and back. When I haven’t been able to do that, I have taken a toilet break to ground myself!

WRITE A LETTER TO THE OVERWHELMED FEELING: Yes, this might sound like a strange one, but it can be a really useful thing to do when feeling overwhelmed. I sometimes ask people what would you like to say to a feeling/emotion/person if they were here now. It can help to verbalise or communicate thoughts or feelings. As well a, verbalising feelings, I also invite people to write letters they don’t send unless of course they wish to! Letters are a really useful way to offload and let go of emotions, in a safe way. They can also be empowering.

FREE PDF DOWNLOADS: There are some FREE PDF DOWNLOADS that you might find helpful on the home page of this website.

FINALLY, what I want to say to you all is that whilst feeling overwhelmed can be a strong, and powerful feeling at times, that can impact us greatly. It doesn’t have to be a permanent situation. We have the ability, to choose what we do with those feelings moving forward. It might seem like that’s impossible right now, BUT, IT IS DOABLE. Everything starts with a small step in life. No matter how small. We ALL have the power to MAKE A CHOICE, that ability to choose allows us to make and create positive change within our lives.

No matter how overwhelmed you might be feeling right now, I wish you peace, and good wishes as you navigate this period of overwhelm in your life. I hope that it passes quickly for you, and the way forward is calmer and more peaceful for you offering you freedom from those overwhelming feelings.

Communication is part of our everyday lives. Whether it be intentional or unintentional, positive or negative, verbal or non-verbal, even down to whether it’s how we communicate with ourselves or others, communication is a central part of our lives. How we express ourselves, can give us a voice, and get our needs met. It can be a key part of relationships and other parts of our life.

Whilst we can’t change the way others respond or react we can explore how we communicate, respond and react to situations. In this post, I want to share some ways which can help improve communication with others, and with yourself.

Today with increased ways we communicate such as online, telephone, messaging, and ways of communication altering positive communication is key to how we interact in the world and our relationships. Most job adverts state the need for good communication skills. But just what does good communication involve, and how can positive communication improve our relationships, and life circumstances, reduce stress, boost our emotional well-being, gives us a voice, enabling us to express ourselves.

You might be interested to learn; that not all communication is verbal. Just 7 % of our communication is verbal. I am not sure about you but, I found this surprising when I first learned this a few years ago. Some ways we communicate non verbally include:

• Facial expressions
• Eye contact
• Voice tone
• Posture and body movement
• Touch
• Gestures
• Space
• We also communicate through email, text messages, letters, and social media

Whilst just 7% of our communication is verbal. Verbal communication can be incredibly powerful.

How would you rate your verbal communication skills on a scale of 1-10?  Are you someone that finds it easy to communicate with others, or can it be a challenge? Maybe it’s easier to communicate in certain situations or with certain people than with others? What works well for you? Is there anything that might help improve how you communicate with others?

In this blog I have put together some ways that can help you smooth out any communication blips and help you communicate more smoothly.

WAYS TO IMPROVE COMMUNICATION WITH OTHERS AND OURSELVES.

TALK TO SOMEONE: Rather than bottling up your feelings. Talk to someone about how you are feeling. Rather than letting uncomfortable feelings build up over time, it can help to talk things through. It can be an opportunity to offload anything you are holding on to. It can also be an opportunity to talk things through and problem-solving

a solution. Or explore a coping strategy?

‘I’ STATEMENTS: When talking to people it can help to use what are known as ‘I’ statements. These enable you to take the power back and give you a voice. This might not always be an easy thing to do however it can allow for smoother and more positive conversations.

An example of this might be; I felt angry/annoyed/cross/irritated when you arrived later than we planned as this impacted the rest of my day.

The above statement allows you to express your feelings and the reason for them in a calm manner allowing those you are talking to, to be aware of your anger and the impact it has. This can allow for much more constructive conversations. I am not sure about you but if someone starts raising their voice at me and using statements such as ‘ It’s your fault I am late,  you messed up my plans.’ Would put me on the defensive straight away.

When I work with people, I say to them it’s okay to feel the way you do. Your feelings ARE valid, the way you express those feelings is important.

CLARIFICATION: Is, a really important part of communication. It’s okay to check with people what they mean. We can all have a different understanding or perspective of a situation, and taking the time to clarify the details can be important. I often to say to people, can I just clarify or my understanding is this am I correct?

TAKE 5 MINUTES OR SLEEP ON IT: Whilst it is important to talk and offload. It is also equally beneficial to sleep on it or take some time to think about something. Have you ever said something in the heat of the moment, and later regretted. Maybe you were angry about something. Maybe you committed to something you wished you hadn’t. It’s okay, to say to people, can I get back to you on that one. Sometimes taking five minutes out of a situation and or sleeping on a situation can make a difference in communication

SAYING NO: Are you a bit of a people pleaser? Do you feel the need to fix people? Or take on board other people’s ‘stuff’ sometimes? Do you think by saying no to people you will be upsetting or offending someone? This is something I used to struggle with, and if I am really honest it is still something I find a bit of a challenge. It wasn’t until I became ill with M.E/Chronic Fatigue for a second time in 1999 that I realised, I wasn’t super-human, and that it’s okay to say no sometimes. It can be a form of self-care. Sometimes changing old habits and learning to say no isn’t always easy. However, it can help improve communication, and also improve your mental health and emotional wellbeing

BOUNDARIES: Part of saying no and being clear with communication can be setting boundaries. It’s okay to set boundaries if you feel it’s appropriate. An example of this might be time boundaries. For instance, ‘I won’t be able to get back to you today with an answer, however, I can get back to you tomorrow when I have a clearer idea of my schedule next week.’

Part of setting boundaries and communication in general can be having realistic expectations. Sometimes it can help to consider the following points when considering this.

• What is do able?
• What would you like to do?
• What can you do?

So often in life, it is easy to think; ‘I should do that’, ‘I have to do that,’ or ‘I must do that’. However, this can place additional pressure on us and be overwhelming. In turn this can impact the communication with others, and ourselves.

BODY LANGUAGE/EYE CONTACT/FACIAL EXPRESSIONS/HAND GESTURES/POSTURE:

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, much of the way we communicate with others is non-verbal. Whilst we are not able to change how others communicate with us, we can look at how we communicate with others. Part of this can be recognising and being aware of how we express ourselves whilst communicating with others. For example, do you recognise their personal space, can your body language could come across as being intimidating.

When I was training as a counsellor I was taught about mirroring, this is when our body language mirrors the person we are communicating with. For example, if our body language is relaxed and open, the person we are communicating with is more likely to interact with us similarly.

EXPRESSING YOURSELF, AND HAVING A VOICE WHEN YOU FEEL UNABLE TO TALK TO OTHERS INVOLVED:

Sometimes it’s not always possible to verbalise or communicate how we feel to someone. This can mean we end up holding on to our stuff. This might leave us internalising negative thoughts or emotions. Holding onto them can be harmful to our mental health and emotional well-being. So, what can you do with those thoughts or emotions. If you have been following previous blog posts and my Facebook page for a while, you will be aware that I am a fan of writing letters you don’t send, unless of course you want to!

Writing letters is an opportunity to express all the thoughts and emotions you are holding onto in a letter. This is a therapeutic process and can have great benefits. It can be especially useful if you wish to express your angry thoughts to someone, if you are estranged from someone, or if someone has died.

If you decide to write letters, I do suggest to people that they find a safe and private space where they feel comfortable, and allow themselves time to write the letters. Writing letters can be an emotional process as you will be releasing and letting go of what you are holding onto. I encourage people I work with to be kind and gentle to themselves during the process, and I encourage you to do the same too, if you choose to write letters.

ONLINE/MESSAGING/EMAIL COMMUNICATION/VIDEO CALLS/LETTERS: We live in a world now where there are many other ways to communicate. When I qualified as a counsellor back in 2002, social media and video calls weren’t a thing, emailing was only just in its infancy, as was texting. In fact, whilst I was on placement at a University, I used to send letters out to clients about missed appointments. I would also telephone people to make appointments. Anyway, I am drifting of topic here. What I would like to say regarding 21^st messages of communication is; that it be so much easier to say things in the heat of the moment without reflecting on the impact of words and responses. Once posted or sent it is can be gone. Everyone has their own, online code of conduct of what’s acceptable and what’s not. If not, I invite you to take some time contemplate what your online code of conduct is.

Ways that can help with online communication can be;

• Giving yourself time to respond?
• Asking yourself, if you would say something out loud.
• Are these words you would say to someone in person?
• Write a draft email, and read it out loud before sending it.

SELF TALK: I have talked a lot about how we communicate with others, however, before I finish this, I would like to touch on how you speak and communicate with yourself. Our foundations for how communicate externally come from within. So, I want to invite you to consider how you communicate with yourself. Do you show yourself love, compassion, empathy, and kindness when you communicate with yourself? Do you allow yourself to have a voice? If not I encourage you to take some time to consider how you can communicate more kindly with yourself. What can you do to improve your internal dialogue?

One of the ways that can help is altering, the words you use with yourself. Become aware of the language you use. How many times do you tell yourself well done, praise or congratulate yourself? Or are you someone who talks negatively to yourself, is hard on yourself, or put yourself down?

Changing the language we use and how we communicate with ourselves can be the key to developing a healthier relationship with ourselves and in turn with others. This in turn can boost our emotional wellbeing. One way which can help us with our speak to ourself is using affirmations which are positive phrases that we repeat to ourselves on a regular basis. Such as well done, you did a great job, I am worthy, I deserve to be treated with love and respect.

One last thing, I want to share about communication is, no one is perfect, communication isn’t perfect. Sometimes, things happen life happens, and communication gets messed up. Whilst we can’t change those times, we can be aware of how we react and respond on those occasions.

One of the greatest and most powerful forms of communication can be recognising when we messed up, owning it, saying sorry, and how can we move forward from here.

I hope you found this post helpful. If so, and you aren’t already, you might be interested in my Tracy Smithers.Step by Step Counselling Page where I regularly post on a variety of different topics. Thank you to all those who follow me already.

ANGER HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?

How many of you are comfortable with expressing anger, frustration, or annoyance? Is it something you avoid and run from? Or is it something that you find empowering and energising?

For many years, anger was something I struggled with. Having grown up in a domestic abusive home environment my experiences were that it was scary, frightening, traumatic, and unsafe. I avoided anger and confrontation at all costs. It wasn’t until I started my training as a counselling at 28 that I realised that anger didn’t have to be like this. Up until that point, I fell into the camp of people who just didn’t DO anger. I remember saying whilst training I don’t get angry. For a long time, I thought that feeling angry, made me a bad person. When I realised that this wasn’t the case and that anger in some form is a human emotion, I then began to get more comfortable and accepting of myself and experiencing anger.

If you have experienced some form of abuse or have been bullied this might have impacted your relationship with anger. I know it did mine. What I want to say to you is whatever you experienced, whilst you can’t change the past it is possible to develop a more comfortable, and safer relationship with anger, and expressing it.

What I have learnt over the years both personally and professionally is if we internalise our anger and don’t find a way to release our feelings it can impact both our physical and emotional wellbeing. I want to share with you an example I sometimes share with clients when talking about anger.

Each week, or fortnight you will put out your bin/rubbish bag for the refuse collection. It’s collected and you have an empty bin/new bin bag and you can start over again with space to get rid of the ‘stuff’ you no longer need. Now, imagine your bin doesn’t get emptied regularly. What happens to all the ‘stuff’ inside? I would suggest it gets full up, smelly, starts rotting, goes mouldy, spilling out elsewhere.

Now imagine that bin or bin bag, is full of all those unpleasant thoughts and feelings including anger. What happens if we don’t let go of those thoughts or feelings.

To keep our mental health and emotional well-being balanced it’s important to find a safe and healthy way to release and express our anger.

What I learnt during my training as a counselling and in the years since is, that it’s okay to be angry/frustrated/annoyed, it’s what we do with those emotions that matters, and how we react and respond to others and situations.

In this post, I would like to share with you some strategies and coping tools that can help you identify, and manage your feelings of anger/annoyance/frustration.

1. Find a word that you are comfortable with using when you feel angry. When I first starting developing a healthier relationship with anger, I wasn’t comfortable with the word anger so I tended to use the word annoyed. An activity you might like to try if you feel comfortable is, thought storming all the words you can think of relating to anger, and then find one that feels right to you.
2. IDENTIFY what is causing your anger. (Your trigger points) Is it a situation? Or is it a person? Or both?
3. IDENTIFY on a scale of 1-10 . (1 being not angry and 10 being really angry.) HOW angry you are feeling? With younger client’s I use the example of traffic lights. Green, amber, and red. Amber relates to feeling slightly annoyed or niggled, red is fully angry. The useful thing with the traffic light example is that at the amber stage, it can help you recognise that it’s a good time to use some coping tools.
4. Once you have identified what level of anger you are at, it is then helpful to identify the CAUSE of your anger. (I appreciate sometimes it’s not always easy to know the cause. It can help when this happens think about the first three words that come to mind and use that as a starting point. If possible, it can be useful to thought storm and take some time to think about what the anger is about. Does it relate to a situation or a person?
5. If you are struggling to understand what is causing your anger, IDENTIFYING YOUR ANGRY TRIGGERS is also really useful to do. For instance, is there a certain person or situation that leaves you feeling angry. Understanding our angry triggers and when they happen can be helpful. It gives us more information about the anger we feel, and by doing so helps us find a way to manage our anger.
6. If finding the cause/trigger is difficult, then it can help to think about whether the anger has a shape, a colour, a size, a texture. What does it look like, sound like, or feel like? Maybe it looks like an animal or sounds like a piece of music. It doesn’t matter what as long as it feels right and fits in with where your anger is at.
7. When you have identified how angry you are feeling, and the cause. Take some time to think about whether there is anything you can change about the situation. The reality is we can’t change other’s behaviour or certain situations. We DO have the ability to make alterations or changes to how we respond or react to situations.

I understand that these steps are all very well. But what happens when you feel so angry you just want to explode! I know, I have been there. I used to be a door slammer!

As I said it’s okay to have those thoughts, it’s how we respond and react to others and situations that matters. I say to people often that knowledge is power, and this is particularly true of anger. Understanding your triggers can help you take the power back, and find healthier ways to address your anger. What I want to say to you here is that anger doesn’t need to control you, you can take control of your anger, and in doing so this CAN help you develop a more positive approach to anger.

Some key points that can help when looking at anger are:

• IDENTIFY THE TRIGGER AND LEVEL OF ANGER
• IDENTIFY WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT THE SITUATION
• WHAT CAN YOU CHANGE ABOUT THE SITUATION
• WHAT STEPS CAN YOU PUT IN PLACE TO REDUCE THE ANGER

So, I know this is all very well talking about this stuff. BUT, what can you DO to help release and let go of your anger Here are some coping strategies that can help you safely express your feelings of anger/frustrating/annoyance.

• Take 5 minutes out from what you are doing
• Go for a walk/run or do something else active. If you can’t do something outside, punching a cushion can be a way to actively and safely release anger
• Spend time outside
• Do something different
• Talk to someone about how you are feeling
• Tap your fingers together to help calm you
• Playdough can be a wonderful resource for expressing anger, no matter how old you are. Pummelling the playdough can be a really good way of releasing your anger
• Focus on your breathing. Breathe in and out. Each time you are distracted with angry thoughts concentrate on your breathing
• Write a letter you never send (unless of course you wish to.) Writing letters can be a great way of releasing and letting go of any angry feelings you might be holding onto. You can say anything you like. Remember, it’s okay to have these feelings it’s how you manage them that counts. Expressing angry feelings you have in a letter is a safe way to do this. If you aren’t someone who likes writing, you can doodle your feelings instead. Once you have finished the letter or doodle you can tear them up or put them in the bin if you feel comfortable with this.
• On the home page of my website, you will find 6 FREE PDF There is an Understanding Anger one which you can use to help you.

Finally, I just want to reassure you that however you feel or experience anger that’s okay. Your anger and emotions are valid. Our life experiences and relationships form a basis for how we respond and react when feeling angry. HOWEVER, we do have a CHOICE of how we react and respond when feeling angry/annoyed/frustrated and we have the ability to CHANGE how we respond in situations that cause us to feel anger. It’s okay to feel the way you do if you are feeling angry, it’s what you do with it that counts.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I do understand how frightening and scary anger can seem sometimes. I spent a lot of time not ‘doing’ anger because it wasn’t something I felt uncomfortable with. I worried about what others would think of me. I will admit I am not fully comfortable with it now, but I’m working on it! What I have learnt along the way is that anger can be empowering, and give us a voice if we use it safely and responsibly.

 

“SHINE LIKE THE BRIGHT STAR YOU ARE THIS CHRISTMAS (AND ALWAYS).”

                                                                                                                                                           T.SMITHERS

WAYS TO BOOST AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. TOOLS FOR YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL TOOLKIT TO HELP YOU THROUGH CHRISTMAS AND BEYOND…

This time of year can be a time of great joy and excitement for some. However, for others I know that it can be a source of great pain, sadness, stress, and worry.

Christmas can bring up a range of different situations that you might not normally have to manage.Perhaps you are having to spend Christmas with people you would rather not be with, you are struggling financially. Maybe this year you have experienced a loss or change in circumstances and you will be experiecing differently. It might be that Christmas is a trigger for you and brings up painful memories of Christmases past. Maybe you are struggling to deal with what you have to get done in time for the big day. Or you are doing your best to meet expectations whether they be your own or others.  This time of year can be overwhelming. What I often say to the people I work with is that you are doing the best you can with the resources you have at the time. Also just a reminder, that Christmas is just once a year and you will always remain wonderful you long after the food is eaten and decorations put away.

As well as the pressure we put on ourself there can also be many external pressures from other people, adverts, television and social media. The reality is each everyone of us will experience differently. There is no right or wrong just different.

Whatever your circumstances, you are not alone. Here are a few tips to help you through this time.

• COMMUNICATE with others. Clarify expectations. Sometimes tensions, disputes, and a range of other feelings can arise from a lack of communication. It’s okay to express how you feel. It’s also okay to say no. Whilst we can’t always know what circumstances are going to arise. Sometimes it can help to have a conversation in advance. It can be far easier to sit down calmly and in a relaxed environment to discuss expectations, than fraught and maybe tense conversations in the moment.
• Keep things SIMPLE. Sometimes less is more.
• Set BOUNDARIES. If you want to set a time limit on an event, how much you spend on presents, what you do over Christmas, how much driving you do. It’s okay to be clear about what you are able to/would like to do. It’s okay to say no sometimes.
• THINK ahead. If you aren’t seeing people in new year. Why not PAUSE the present buying until nearer the time?
• Be REALISTIC with your expectations. At this time of year sometimes expectations can be higher. I think it’s important to remember that perfect doesn’t exist but good enough does! So often we strive to achieve the perfect situation and the enjoyment and fun of it is lost.
• REDUCE any stress/ pressure you are under. ASK FOR HELP. SIMPLIFY THINGS. Do what you can to make things easier for yourself.
• TAKE SOME TIME OUT. it’s okay to do this! So I encourage you to allow yourself to do so. Get some fresh air. Go for a walk. Even  offer to do the washing up if that gives you some time out.
• BE MINDFUL.. Focus on being in the present! No pun intended! On that note, I invite you to remember that your presence is a far greater gift than any presents you give. I really believe that time spent with others is the greatest gift we can offer. We live in a busy, fast paced world where time is something we are quite often short off. Being in the moment, enjoying the company of others, talking and listening to others. Just being in the moment is one of the most precious things, I believe we can do an offer. Throughout my time as a counsellor and also on a personal level, I understand the importance of being listened to and being heard.
• HAVE A BREAK from social media, television, and digital devices. Why not try alternative activities such as board games, jigsaw puzzles, charades! Or maybe create a family tradition. Last year we had an art activity.
• Be AWARE of how much alcohol you are drinking. Alcohol can fuel our emotions and also our behaviour, interactions, and our words.
• REMEMBER to breath.
• BE YOURSELF.
• HAVE FUN AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!

If you are reading this and could do with some extra support, I do offer one off counselling appointments. Each and every appointment is tailored to suit each indviduals needs. I also offer reduced rates to those who are experiencing financial hardship. Counselling can be a chance to talk, offload, and also explore some coping strategies. So, if counselling is something you might not previously have considered, but you could do with a space to talk things through at this time of year, please feel free to get in touch. You can message me via my enquiry form or send an email to tracy.stepbystepcounselling@gmail.com.

Wishing you all a very safe Christmas time. Take care of yourself. All the best for 2025.

I posted something on my counselling Facebook page recently which attracted some attention and inspired me to write this post.

In childhood we might have experienced bullying at school or elsewhere. Perhaps you are a parent and are currently supporting your children through this situation. But how many of you have experienced bullying in the work place or somewhere else as an adult.

I myself have experienced bullying in the work place and other situations on a few occasions in my life. It has knocked my confidence, self esteem, severely impacted my mental health and left me a shadow of my former self. Thankfully I eventually walked away from the environments that were impacting me, built myself up again and been able to move forward to a much brighter happier future. However the experience has lingered and I think made me overall more cautious about group situations.

Sometimes when we are in an environment that causes us pain or damages our mental health we are unable to see the damage it can have on us, it’s not until we walk away that we see it’s impact. This can be true of both environments, situations, and relationships.

I know myself have lived in fear of going to work everyday for sometime how these situations can eventually break us.

What I have learnt from this is; that living in fear of a job, a boss, or colleague to the point it impacts you on a daily basis even when you are not at work is unhealthy. Whilst we cannot change others and perhaps elements of our work environment we do have the power to take steps to safe guard our own emotional wellbeing. From my own experiences, I appreciate this can be easier said than done at times, however even making the smallest changes can make a huge difference and your mental health.

Here are some ways that can help you if you are being bullied in the workplace or elsewhere.

1. Identify how the bullying is impacting you on a daily basis. One thing that can help you with this is writing down all elements of the situation and then rate each aspect on a scale of 1-10. With 1 being the least impact it has on you and 10 being the least. Once you have done this look at the highest scoring situations, the ones rating 7 and above out of 10.
2. Having identified the key aspects of how you are being impacted. Take some time to think about what you would like to be different. What needs to change for your to start feeling better? It might help to imagine if you were to wake up one morning and feel better, what would it be like, what would have changed.
3. Once you have identified what would need to change. Ask yourself what 3 things could you do to make those changes? They don’t have to be big things to begin with. Everything starts with a first step.
4. Seek support from others. Talk to someone.
5. Focus on what you can change rather than what you can’t
6. Take some time out to clear your head. Sometimes the old phrase of sleeping on it can really make a difference.
7. When communicating with people use I statements rather than you statements. This allows you to take the power back in a situation. Be clear when you are speaking to someone. Address the issues you have and what outcome you want from the situation. Remember that you can’t change others however you do have the power to make changes to your situation. Words can be incredibly powerful. 
8. If you aren’t sure what to say it’s okay to write things down or rehearse them.
9. Focus on your breathing. Believe it or not taking breaths in and out can really help. When you exhale let go of any stress and tension.
10. Find time for relaxation.

Above all remember that whatever the situation your mental and physical health is the most important thing. You are worthy of being valued and being treated with courtsey and respect. If any situation is impacting your wellbeing to the point you are becoming unwell, living in fear, or a situation is impacting your health perhaps it’s not the right place to be. Somewhere out there is a place or person that will treat you in the way you deserve to be treated. Take care of yourself.

How many of you have experienced a panic attack before?

I have experienced panic attacks and I am aware of the huge impact they can have on daily life. I am currently supporting a family member who is experiencing them. It is because of these experiences that I wanted to write this post.

Apart from a presentation I did whilst training as a counsellor 20 years ago, alongside my own personal and professional experiences I am trained or by any means an expert. So if you do have concerns please seek the support of a medical professional.

In my late teens, I first experienced panic attacks. I remember going into Woolworths in my local town at the time and walking out because I couldn’t speak to the person serving me. I think this came from having experienced childhood trauma and following my parents separation. I eventually overcame them and thought nothing of it. Panic attacks were something other people had. Then in November 2019 this all changed and my panic attacks returned. I struggled for about 18 months with them. It was at this time when the panic attacks returned, that my panic attacks resulted in me being unable to cross roads.

It all started one Sunday morning, when I had been dropped in town and was walking to work. I was waiting at the traffic lights ready to cross, but then I panicked. I couldn’t cross. I dismissed this thinking the road was busy, I would cross somewhere quieter. I tried, but once again I panicked. I was paralysed with fear. It felt like the ground was going to open me up and swallow me up. After many attempts, I did eventually cross. However, this panic continued. I left work that day determined to cross the road and ignore what happened earlier in the day. I couldn’t. I was so fearful, and panicky I had to call my Mum for a lift home. Not only did she have to come and pick me up, she had to come to the crossing I was waiting at to walk me over the road. And so the panic attacks continued.  Each time I was approaching a set of traffic lights or other crossing. All the feelings of fear, anxiety, or panic would manifest. I would wait by the crossing but was simply frozen in fear.

I was 49 years old, I have travelled the world on my own. I have my own counselling practice and at the time was working as a school counsellor too. Yet, crossing roads anywhere was impossible.

I felt silly, stupid, and too embarrassed to share this with anyone at the time apart from Mum. I mean who can’t cross roads!

With all my counselling knowledge and experience, alongside other training and experience I have had over the years, I couldn’t make sense of these panic attacks. They appeared to come out of nowhere. It was frustrating and impacted my whole life at the time.  After about 18 months they did eventually subside and now 5 years later, I am pretty much back to walking ‘normally’.

However, in the last week, I have been reminded of my own  experiences, after a close family member developed panic attacks. Just like me theirs appeared to come out of the blue. They have a fear of falling over and their panic attacks relate to walk. This panic potentially developed as a result of being knocked down by a an E bike last year. However from talking with this family member a commonality with both our  panic attacks was that we were feeling under pressure at the time in our lives.

This is partly why I wanted to write this post, to offer support and reassure others experiencing them, that you are not alone.

PANIC ATTACKS ARE NOT SILLY OR STUPID BUT ….

THEY CAN BE OVERWHELMING, FRIGHTENING, STRESSFUL, AND SCARY.

ABOVE ALL THEY ARE REAL!

To anyone who is experiencing panic attacks, there is absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. Sometimes the reason behind panic attacks doesn’t make sense , no matter how much they impact your life, or how traumatic they might feel to you.

Everyone’s experience of panic attacks will be different, so whilst I can’t guarantee that my suggestions will help ‘fix’ everyone’s panic attacks, they might just help.

I always say to people, knowledge is power, and by gaining a greater understanding of a situation, it can help us to reduce the fear, to think more calmly and to look at ways to find a solution.

WAYS TO HELP REDUCE THE IMPACT OF PANIC ATTACKS AND OVERCOME THEM.

• Focus on your breathing. This is so important in all areas of life however, I think it is particularly key with regard to panic attacks. There are many different clips on You Tube that can help with this.
• Break down the pressure. Write down everything that is causing you pressure. Rate it on a score on 1-10. 10 being the most pressured. Identify what is YOUR own personal pressure and look at what pressure you are taking on from others. What can you do about this? What changes can you make to help you? You can continually break down the pressures. Then destroy the paper so you are no longer holding on to the pressure.
• Talk to some.
• Seek help and support. Ask for what you need.
• Tapping also known as EFT is a really useful self help technique. You basically tap on different meridian points in your body. These can release and let go of any stuff you are holding on too such as anxiety, stress, and angry. I recommend the Tap with Brad You Tube clips to help you with this. Brad Yates does short 5-10 videos where he does different tapping processes around a variety of issues.
• Set yourself small, achievable goals to help overcome your panic attacks. Seek help with achieving them.
• Reduce any pressure you are currently holding onto.

I wish you well, and I hope that your life increases in calm and peace, and your panic attacks are overcome, or greatly reduced soon.

If you follow my Facebook page you might be aware that each Friday I put up a word of the week to encourage conversation. This week the word is BALANCE and it has  inspired me to do a blog post on this. Do you ever feel overloaded? Overwhelmed? That you are spinning to many plates or juggling too many balls in life? Are you struggling with relationships, work, home life, or financial issues? Perhaps all of them? Maybe you are feeling stressed out or anxious as a result of everything that is going on your life right now. The photo above is our family dog Jack. Jack is an eleven and a half year old Golden Retriever who is brilliant at being mindful and getting his needs met. I often think that dogs could teach us a thing or two about finding a balance in life.

Whilst it be hard to know how to find a balance and reduce all the stuff we are dealing with at one particular stage of our lives, the reality is that our physical and emotional wellbeing can become impacted if we don’t strike a balance. I really believe that once we find calmness within ourselves we feel more equipped and able to deal with chaos and strike more of a balance in life.

So just how to go about striking a balance and taking care of ourselves. I will admit that even after over 20 years as a counsellor this is still something I find challenging myself, however, I’ve got MUCH better at it. I have over the years had M.E (Chronic Fatigue) twice and this has taught me one valuable lesson to pace myself. It’s been key in helping me finding more of a balance in life and is something I often talk about with clients.

We live in such a busy, fast paced world that it can be hard to keep up with the demands and expectations of those around us, alongside those we place on ourselves. However, it is important to remind ourselves of is that we all travelling our life journey at different paces. For instances; if you were a once a week Sunday morning jogger would you choose to train with a world class athlete, I would imagine probably not! I should at this point that the only time I run is to catch a bus or a train!

If we continue to push ourselves to extreme limits or overloaded ourselves this can lead to burnout if we do not take good care of our physical and emotional wellbeing. Having had health issues in the past myself, I can’t emphasise enough how important taking care of our health both physical and emotional is.

If you are feeling overloaded, overwhelmed, or stressed right now. It might be all very well me talking about finding a balance but just how do you that??

Firstly I would invite you to take 5 minutes. Yes, 5 minutes for you!

To begin I would encourage to focus on your breathing. Take some deep breaths in and out. When you exhale release all the stuff you are holding on to right now.

Once you have done so I would invite you to write down everything that you are feeling overloaded with right now. Then give each a rating on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the most overwhelming situation or something that doesn’t feel imbalanced. When you have finished this you might like to consider if there is anything on that list you can offload to someone else? If not is there anything you can ask for help with? Are you able to postpone or cancel one of the things you have on that list?

Breaking things down can be key to finding more balance in life. Sometimes life situations can creep up on us overtime without us realising, that we are perhaps struggling to juggle with the demands of life and strike a balance.  What I want to say at this point is that if you are feeling this way it is NOT because you have failed. Life can be tough at times. Whilst we can manage our own stuff we are not responsible for others stuff. External factors can play a part in our life situations. Whilst we don’t have control over others we do have the ability to take power in our own lives.

I will share with you a few tips below which you might find help. Whilst it might be hard to know where to start with making changes and finding a balance in life, I encourage to keep in mind that everything starts with a first step or thought.

• Focus on your breathing
• Take 5 minutes for yourself
• Delegate tasks to others
• Ask for help
• Delay, postpone until later. Or cancel something.
• Set boundaries. It’s okay to say no to people
• Go for a walk or do some other physical exercise
• Change your environment
• Write things down
• If you are not sure how to create a balance, I invite you to consider the following question. ” What would a more balanced lifestyle look like to you?”
• Have an early night! Yes, it can really help. Sometimes things do look better in the morning.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog post. This particular post is aimed at those with loved ones that might not feeling ready yet to seek counselling support. However, for those whose loved ones are ready to take that first brave step and seek counselling, here are a few places they can find further support. There are many different counsellors out there with different styles, and I can’t state enough how important it is for someone to find the right counsellor for them. It’s okay to have a chat, research a few different options to begin with. Counsellors will appreciate what a big step this is and will understand that you need to find the person that is the best for them.

Here are some places that can help you when looking for a counsellor:

. Speak to a G.P.

. There are a number of professional counselling bodies who have listings of their members. These include NCPS (I am a member with this professional body), BACP, ACC, and UKCP.

https://ncps.com/

https://www.bacp.co.uk/

https://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/

. There are also some general counselling directories that have listings of counsellors from many different counselling bodies. One of the most well known ones, one I am listed is Counselling Directory.

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellors/tracy-smithers

. Charities such as mind can also point people in the right direction of counselling support.

https://www.mind.org.uk/

For those that have a loved one who is not quite at the point of feeling ready to engage in counselling, this post is for you, shared with much compassion and understanding. Seeing a loved one struggle in life can be hard, difficult, and ultimately really tough especially if you are impacted by this. Sometimes it can cause us to feel sad, isolated, lonely, angry, frustrated, or some other emotion. This can in turn impact our relationship with this person and perhaps want to ‘fix’ the person, or get them sorted out so life can get back to ‘normal’.

Firstly it’s absolutely okay to feel however you feel, emotions can trigger us all in different ways and at different times in a our life. We all have our own personal ‘make up’ that we wear through life. By that I mean we carry our experiences from childhood, relationships, work, health, and other situations and our experiences and triggers are all personal to us. There is no right or wrong way to feel these emotions. However, we can choose how we react and respond to that which triggers us. So what has this got to do with getting my loved one help, I hear some of you say. The reality is whilst we can love, support, care, and nurture our loved one, we can never ‘fix’ them. Ultimately, the only person who can one individual is themselves. We are spectators in the lives of our loved ones, just as they are in ours. Absolutely, we can draw on all forms of support to get us through, however, the responsibility and choice to fix ourselves rests with individuals.

So how does this relate to counselling? As a counsellor, it is important that a client comes to counselling because they want to rather than because they have been told they should, or feel they have to. This also extends to children and young people. Athough I arrange appointments through parents/carers and ofcourse I require parental consent, it is really important that children and young people are happy to come to chat with me.

Counselling can be a hugely complex process. One of the key reasons for it being important that people come to counselling out of their own choice is to ensure that they feel safe, comfortable, and ready to discuss issues that might be painful of difficult for them. The counselling process can go deeply, and it might explore issues that go far beyond the initial issue. Counselling can be like onion layers, you can unravel one to find another. So, it is important the person seeking support comes not just when they are ready but they find a counsellor/therapist that is the right fit for them. I often say that counsellors/therapists are all different, and just like shoes you need to find the right fit for you. As a counsellor, I suggest to anyone who contacts me that they come for an initial appointment with no pressure for them to decide if I am the right fit for them.

WHAT CAN I DO IF MY LOVED ONE DOESN’T WANT COUNSELLING?

Whilst your loved one might not require counselling at this time, sometimes seeking support yourself can in fact support you in supporting your loved one. This might not be an easy thought to process. I mean if it’s someone else’s issue/problem why SHOULD you seek counselling. I absolutely ,understand why you might feel that way. However, the beauty and benefit of counselling is; that it can have a ripple affect and that all you explore in counselling and the benefits you can in turn can support your loved one.

SO WHAT CAN I GET FROM COUNSELLING/THERAPY THAT MIGHT HELP ME SUPPORT MY LOVED ONE?

A place to offload any feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, or frustration you might be feeling towards your loved ones. This means that you can manage relationships and situations with a clear head. It’s absolutely okay to feel how you do, however, how we respond to situations is really important, and can lead us to feel either empowered or disempowered. When we feel disempowered by a situation in life it can be exhausting and draining on our own mental health. This can particularly impact us when communicating with loved ones with poor mental health.

As a counsellor, I am also able to talk through coping strategies with the people I see. So essentially we can work together and situation solve a situation. For example if you are wondering how to manage a situation, we can sit down an explore how you can manage a situation, and break it into manageable pieces. Taking it step  by step.

Explore strategies can be particularly helpful if for instance there is a child or young person that doesnt feel ready to engage in counselling yet.

Also, any counselling you have will empower you and enable you to understand the counsellor process, and any benefits that you experience. Sometimes, in life to understand something, we need to experience something fully ourselves first.

I firmly believe that counselling is a journey, there is no right or wrong way, it just is the right way, at the right time, for one person. Everything in life has the potential to grow, it all starts with planting a seed, and it is up to us whether we nurture, and nourish it or not. People are just like seeds to, and whilst we cannot ‘fix’ someone we can offer some support with nurturing of that person.

Something I have learnt over the years I have been counselling is that one of the greatest gifts you can give some one is:

A TIME AND SPACE TO BE LISTENED TO, AND HEARD. WE ALL HAVE A VOICE AND WE ALL DESERVE THE RIGHT TO BE HEARD.

In my experience, sometimes when people feel sad, angry, frustrated, isolated, or unhappy it is because they feel they have lost their voice.

If you have any questions, or would like to know more, I am happy to spend some time listening, and hearing you and any questions you might have.